sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He passed out mid-signature
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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