apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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