if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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