I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
