That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
