The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
