whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
