I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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