sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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