12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
