He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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