yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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