I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
