my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
