She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
