Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
