I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize