My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
