Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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