i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
