You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
