You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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