my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
