i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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