I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
