I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
