Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
