saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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