I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
