yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
