Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
