Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
whose parrot is this?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
