You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
