ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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