She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
