I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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