We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
