Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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