worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
