Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
