True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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