I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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