His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
