Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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