just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
there is glitter all over my balls
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