i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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