Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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