The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
