I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
