i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Couch. On fire.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
