im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Randomize
