just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
