college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize