Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
