I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize