I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
